In just a few short days it begins … the holiday season. It is supposed to be a time of merriment and joining together of family, but for many it just winds up being a time of despair, dread, hangovers, fights, tears and sadness.

For those of us who are trans this can also include wondering how Grandma will respond when she sees you either with a new haircut, masculine or feminine clothes, sporting some sweet sideburns or binding/enhancing your chests. It can mean a time where you endure the odd and/or disapproving and confused looks from your parents every time a family picture is suggested or an outing into your community. It can mean listening to questions that are really more comments about your appearance, thoughts and feelings. It can be a time, if you are in schools, where you count down the days before hitting the books again. For older people, it can be a time where you count down the hours before you can go home, which may be preferred to be a home several hours or days away from the scrutiny that is your family. 

For many, the holiday season has lost it’s magical appeal and now, just sucks. 

So with all that can suck around the holidays, how can one make it through and maybe even enjoy it a little (I said a little, not a ton) … This is a hard list to write, but here are some ideas for any of you out there reading this.

1) Check to see if your friends will be in town or around/available for some hang out time or an instant SOS. 

2) Make sure the internet is working where ever you are staying and that there is a cell phone signal. (This last point may require wondering around the house with your arm up in the air or around outside to the furthest corner of your property if you live in a small town like the one I grew up in.)

3) If you are of age, and DO NOT struggle with addiction, perhaps having a little flask with your favorite spirits handy for those little moments where you need your own lifted may help … or make it worse, use your best judgment on this one.

4) Align with a family member that you do get along with and try to avoid rooms with the ones you can’t stand.

5) Offer to run errands for any item on the grocery list that was forgotten. 

6) Show up late, leave early.

7) If when you come and go is not an option then sleep in and go to bed early.

So, after re-reading my list, I realize it may not be all that helpful … a part of me isn’t feeling inspiring today (I think it is too cold to think at the moment).

So here is something I do want to toss out there that is on more of the serious note. Getting along and feeling accepted by family is one of the hardest things to do for many of us, which is ironic since family is supposed to be the one group of people where we should feel accepted and loved.

During the holiday season, ask yourself what type of relationship you would like with your family, then ask yourself where you think they are at at this time. How far do you think you can move them toward understanding you and how much effort do you think it will take?

One of the best ways to try and heal the wounds and move everyone forward is to sit in the discomfort, avoid going on the defensive, and honestly express how you are feeling and what you’d love to see happen with the family. If someone in your family starts going on the defensive, first take a step back, nothing can be resolved when there is yelling and projection of uncomfortable feelings at you.

Next, remind yourself, any hurtful words being said are not really words directed at you, they are the individuals own fears, confusion and anger that is just getting tossed at you. The only way we can start to heal relationships is by addressing the hard stuff. If we stick with avoidance, that is what we get back (which is a good reason not to listen to my 7 suggestions above). Just like people who advocate for LGBT rights, we have to advocate for love in our family. If we stay silent or allow them to walk all over us, we’ll never be able to move forward (or it will be a more painful process to do so).